The Night Before

Tomorrow is a day I’ve been both waiting for and dreading. I have an appointment to find out whether the abnormal cells they found are cancerous. Just typing that still feels surreal. It’s a sentence I never thought I’d write, and yet, here I am. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing my best to stay grounded. I’ve tried to focus on what I can control - my health, my body, my mindset. I’ve been showing up for myself more than I have in a long time. Eating better, drinking more water, getting out for runs, and rowing when I can. I told myself that if I did need treatment, I wanted to face it in the best shape I could be, physically and mentally. 

But tonight, something shifted. 

I went for a run, hoping to clear my mind, and halfway through, I had to stop - not just to catch my breath, but because I found myself completely overwhelmed. I stood there, staring at the sky, trying to ground myself in the moment. The world was still turning, the view was still beautiful, my heart was still beating—but inside, something cracked open. 

It hit me. This time tomorrow, I’ll know more. I’ll have answers. And what if those answers aren’t the ones I want? What if everything changes? 

What if my world starts to come crashing down? 

The truth is, I don’t know how I’ll react. I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve spent so much energy staying numb, staying “strong,” staying distracted. But tonight, reminded me that strength isn’t just about tolerance. Sometimes it’s standing still on a running path, heart pounding and letting yourself feel everything all at once. 

I’m scared. I’m hopeful. I’m exhausted. I’m grateful. 

And tomorrow, I’ll face whatever comes. 

For now, I’m going to try to sleep. To breathe. To let the unknown be what it is - unknown, but not unbeatable. 

Thanks for being here, whoever you are.

– Me